Why does opening up sometimes make it worse?

I thought being vulnerable and venting was the right thing to do. I guess not.

I was visibly upset. I’d just gone through a mentally exhausting few months, thought I was feeling better, and then hit another low. I was feeling emotionally confused with a heavy choice weighing on my mind, and was longing for someone to just get what I was going through. Tell me it was hard.

“You can share what’s going on,” said someone close to me, noticing my uncharacteristic quietness during an outing (a dead giveaway something was wrong, given my usual chatty and silly-ish demeanour).

Those six words — you can share what’s going on — felt like an opening for me to talk. I still hesitated, though, knowing I’d been burned in the past after being vulnerable. Countless times, I’ve left conversations feeling even more drained and misunderstood than before. Regretful even, of allowing myself to open up, and wishing I’d saved my monologue for therapy where I pay someone to justify my feelings.

And perhaps the issue is I go into these conversations with a specific goal — my vulnerability is a silent plea for empathy. I don’t want to be told that people are going through much worse or that at least this isn’t worst-case scenario... I just want to be heard.

In this case, the person sensed my hesitation and soothed me gently, making me feel safe to share. “Sometimes it feels good to let it out… you’ll feel better after talking.”

And so I did. I shared. I let it all out. I brain dumped my emotions, my confusion, my Sophie’s choice. Yearning for acknowledgement that what I am going through is tough, and validation of my sadness and sense of loss.

But how did this person react? Well, after coaxing me to share and putting on an illusion of “I’m just here to listen”, they did exactly what I was terrified of. They judged me and minimized my problem, which in turn felt like a betrayal of my trust.

“Be thankful,” said this person. “Just be thankful for the good things in your life… you make good money and you’re able to afford your own place, you have friends around, and your family is here for you.”

And then it got worse.

“You know, maybe you need help. Like professional help… it feels like you can’t regulate your emotions properly.”

This whole interaction/experience was exactly what I had feared. The weaponization of my emotions, making me feel like the way I think is wrong. I sat there frozen, kicking myself, because I knew if I had just kept my mouth shut, this person would never have hurt me by saying any of those things. Was this a punishment for being vulnerable? Am I too much? I wanted to retreat back into my proverbial cage, and escape.

I don’t have an answer or a right way to proceed. I think all we can do is pick and choose with scrutiny who we open up to, and realize some people should be at arms length, especially when it comes to sensitive topics where we need a certain type of support. And for myself specifically, I know I need to work on self-soothing.

So here I go — a journey of looking inward for support, and maybe even allowing myself to justify my own feelings, rather than solely relying on others. Here’s to emotional growth… xx